Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
