Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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