I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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