Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
