It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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