I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
