i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize