So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
