fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
