i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
