that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
