I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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