I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
