My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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