genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
