I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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