Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
