So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
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Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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