I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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