I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
