After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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