i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
