All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
