my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I fill condoms, not promises.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
