im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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