please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
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There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need moral support for this bender
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*