I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
