her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
