There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
