fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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