i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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