you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
