we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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