oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize