You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
