dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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