I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
