I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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