I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
