this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
