i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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