Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
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Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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