I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
