Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
