just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
