I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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