Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.