I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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