sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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