What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
