I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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