Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
