so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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