Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
