I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
