Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
