Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
