Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
