It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
