Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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