it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
