She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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